“Both crack skulls. The club does it in one go, to someone else. The joint did it to me slowly, over 24 years. Different speed, same damage.”
A trench club with an LED bike light on the other end. Point the light forward and you can see where you're going, with the metal end trailing behind, unused. Point the metal end forward and the light just hangs off the back. Same object. It all depends on which end you point.
A 51 cm old wooden handle, a leather grip and a solid metal bolt head painted red at the tip, black in the middle and white at the base. Where your hand goes it says "FIGHT MONSTERS BECOME ONE". Nietzsche said it first. I lived it for 24 years without seeing it.
WHAT I WAS HOLDING
May 2025. I finished wrapping the leather grip, picked the club up and felt the weight. First thought: this will crack a skull.
Then I looked at what I was holding. White handle, red tip. It looked like a joint.
Both crack skulls. The club does it in one go, to someone else. The joint did it to me slowly, over 24 years.
Putting the light on the other end made it simple: which way you point it is the choice. Light forward and the metal end trails behind. Metal forward and the light trails behind. The club doesn't change, only which end goes first.
I used weed for anxiety for 24 years. At some point it stopped helping and took over. I fought monsters with it and became one.
“Getting clean doesn't take the weight away. The club can still crack a skull, and the habit is still in me, one bad day away. Every day I choose which end to point.”
DAILY CHOOSING
This is about the gap between what you can do and what you choose to do, every day. The club is still a real weapon: solid metal, good leverage. Using it as a light doesn't make that go away. It's still there, trailing behind.
Getting clean is the same. The habit is still in my head and weed is still out there, available right now. You don't arrive somewhere it's gone. You just choose which way to point, every day.
The bolt is painted red at the tip where the ember would be, black in the middle and white at the base where the words are. The colours make the choice easy to see.
Nietzsche talked about everything coming round again. Seeing the monster doesn't make it leave. Getting clean doesn't remove it. You choose every day, and that's what keeping going means.
I pick it up every now and then. Some weeks every day, some weeks not at all.
The light is on. It's for finding your way, and the rest just hangs there unused.
"FIGHT MONSTERS BECOME ONE", written right where your hand goes.
The tip, red like a lit ember, then black. White handle, red tip. It looked like a joint.
On the bench, within reach. Some days I pick it up, some weeks I don't. Runs on a Ryobi battery.
Materials: 51 cm old wooden handle painted white, leather grip, solid metal bolt head painted red, black and white, LED bike light
Size: 51 cm handle, 625 g, most of it in the bolt head
Power: Ryobi battery
Two ends: The light is at the handle end and the metal bolt at the other. Point the light forward and the bolt trails behind. Point the bolt forward and the light trails behind.
The bolt: It had to be tight enough to actually hit with, but not so tight the handle split. Getting that balance right felt a lot like getting clean.
Colours: Red at the tip like an ember, black in the middle, white at the base where the words are.
The words: "FIGHT MONSTERS BECOME ONE" is etched exactly where your hand grips, so you only read it when you hold it.
Status: Works. It's a real club and a real light. It sits on my bench within reach.
Context in Series
#10 of 12. Signal Seeker was about living between two worlds. This one is about the choice you make every day when the danger never really leaves.
Both crack skulls. The club in one go, to someone else. The joint slowly, to me, over 24 years. Point the light forward and the metal trails behind. Point the metal forward and the light trails behind. Same club, it just depends which way you hold it.
Seeing the monster doesn't make it go away, and getting clean doesn't either. You just choose which end to point, every day. Next is The Last Brew: do Rams' principles still hold up when his dream of a better world didn't happen?